There’s something about The Weeknd’s, James Blake’s and now, JMSN’s music that’s so perfect to listen at this time. But sometimes it’s too much. I actually first really listened to this one few days ago at work. It was late, around midnight and it was pretty dead. I’m in the back room by myself trying to stay busy. This song starts playing. I’m listening and a few parts grab my attention and my mind starts to wander.
Staring at the starry night
Sitting in my hotel
While the girl of my dreams
Is happy with someone else
I think I was supposed to say something about sitting under the night sky and thinking about one specific person who happens to be taken. That’s not quite it, though. Some nights you cross my mind, some times someone else.
“Girl of my dreams,” I don’t even like that saying. I don’t like the idea of mythologizing people into something bigger than life. I wouldn’t say “girl of my dreams” because that feels so corny to me. But I guess when you like someone and you feel so sure about them, it’s easy to exaggerate the extent to which you like them. We use words like soul mates and I don’t like that word either. I just don’t know when those words would even be applicable because, hell, how the hell would we know? How can we tell if that girl really is as special as we’re making ourselves believe she is, or if it’s just that, we’re making her seem that way? How can you tell if you’re being delusional? Would a deluded person be able to spot their own delusion?
It’s hard to be objective when you have a stake in it. When you like someone, when you really want someone to like you back. Anything in my favor I question if I’m being bias about it and seeing it that way just because I want it to be that way. And that acknowledgement leads me to playing mind games with myself.
“Dream girl”
How would I know? How do you measure potential anyway? That’s what “dream girl” implies, right? That somehow you’ve judged your potential with everyone else and this person has the most.Who am I kidding, though? The real issue here is I try to undermine my own feelings. I spend so much time scrutinizing flaws of other people’s love lives that I’m scared of becoming a cliche myself. I’m scared to be that stupid guy who says “I love you” way too soon.
And I’m so gone
With a bottle on the desk thinkin should I send this text
A few people come to mind for different things. Everyone has different standards when it comes to love so when I say I love someone I don’t expect anyone to know exactly what I’m talking about.
And you. I’m hesitant to text you because I’m worried of the implications that’ll come from it.
I want to though. I’m just not sure if I’m supposed to. I just need for you to reach out first. But I know you won’t so it’s all up to me but I don’t know if I’m supposed to just let you be.
The song goes on and everything is just fine. And then the final part of the song plays. Everything becomes louder, “she’s happy”, and the background keeps emphasizing the “without me” part. What happened next I don’t really know how to talk about it—which is funny because this last part is the most important. I guess that’s why I usually just post songs and don’t write anything about it. For this section can’t I just post “Echoes Of Silence” and say, voila! That’s what was going on inside my head, and in song form so you don’t have to deal with my bullshit words! But then you wouldn’t know why parts of that song resonates with me and we’re both back on the same spot of not understanding how I feel.
She’s happy
Don’t I want her to be happy
Don’t I need her to be happy
Oh, she’s happy
Oh, happy — without me
Don’t I want her to be happy — without me
Don’t I need her to be happy — without me
Oh she’s happy — without me
She’s happy
Without me
